Benign..................... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium..................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.................. Made eye contact with her.
Colic...................... A sheep dog.
Coma....................... A punctuation mark.
Dilate..................... To live long.
Enema...................... Not a friend.
Fester..................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..................... A small lie.
Genital.................... Non-Jewish person.
Hangnail................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................. Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff........... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..................... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node....................... I knew it.
Outpatient............... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis..................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........ A letter carrier.
Recovery Room....... Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................. Hiding something
Seizure.................... Roman emperor.
Tablet..................... A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor...................... More than one.
Varicose.................. Near by/close by
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
How to Combat Bigotry
A plane leaves Wichita airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.. . doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah... all same!”
Vote
It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.. . doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah... all same!”
Vote
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
"Kate, get a proper job" says the Queen
Kate Middleton 26, is said to be under pressure from the Queen to 'get a proper job' but angry friends say she works 9 to 5 in her parents mail order party hire business ‘Party Pieces’ from the Middleton family home in Bucklebury, Berkshire.
She has also been busy organising a charity roller disco in aid of sick children and youngsters from deprived areas with Richard Branson's daughter Holly.
The Queen feels that Prince William should not think of announcing his engagement until Kate has secured full-time employment. The Queen at 82 is still one of the hardest working members of the Royal Family and her remarks have angered Kate’s family and close friends.
Miss Middleton has only had one job since graduating from St Andrews University in 2004 with a 2:1 in history of art. She wanted a job in a London art gallery but her prospective employers were fearful of the paparazzi and their relentless pursuit of the Princess-in-waiting.
So she joined the Jigsaw fashion chain, but left the job after several months because she was pursued relentlessly by photographers.
I wonder, does working for your parents in your own home constitute full-time employment? Sounds like a dream job to me.
Beautiful American Girl glassed by Aussie Footballer
A beautiful American girl Katie Milligan met up with one of our revered rugby league footballers Greg Bird in the US casino capital nine months ago. She was so smitten, she moved to Sydney to be with him.
On the 24th August her boyfriend ‘glassed her’ in her face. As she ran from his apartment, she left a trail of blood all the way to the lift, and in the foyer as she left the building. She was hospitalised and a hospital spokesman said she almost lost an eye. However, she is now badly scarred for life.
Bird quickly rang his best friend, a promising golfer Brent Watson and asked him to say that he did it. Brent had other ideas and declined.
But here’s the rub, she says she still loves him and will stand by him, no matter what.
I give up.
On the 24th August her boyfriend ‘glassed her’ in her face. As she ran from his apartment, she left a trail of blood all the way to the lift, and in the foyer as she left the building. She was hospitalised and a hospital spokesman said she almost lost an eye. However, she is now badly scarred for life.
Bird quickly rang his best friend, a promising golfer Brent Watson and asked him to say that he did it. Brent had other ideas and declined.
But here’s the rub, she says she still loves him and will stand by him, no matter what.
I give up.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Creative Writing
Here's a prime example of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix .
The professor told his class one day, 'Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story .The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary ) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she wondered wistfully.
( Gary ) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Gary ) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!'
(Rebecca) Asshole!
( Gary ) Bitch!
(Rebecca) F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
( Gary ) Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)A plus - I really liked this one.
The professor told his class one day, 'Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story .The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary ) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she wondered wistfully.
( Gary ) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Gary ) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!'
(Rebecca) Asshole!
( Gary ) Bitch!
(Rebecca) F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
( Gary ) Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)A plus - I really liked this one.
Tlhe Preacher's Son
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
A Bible
A silver dollar
A bottle of whisky
And a porn magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be pervert or skirt-chasing bum!"
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed and he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold.
"Lord have mercy!" the old preacher exclaimed under his breath. "He's gonna be a Republican Congressman!"
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
A Bible
A silver dollar
A bottle of whisky
And a porn magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be pervert or skirt-chasing bum!"
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed and he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold.
"Lord have mercy!" the old preacher exclaimed under his breath. "He's gonna be a Republican Congressman!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)